Messin’ with Mark, God’s Sitcom. Episode 9 – Mean, Thieving, Sneaky Seagulls



Welcome to episode 9 of Messin’ with Mark, God’s sitcom!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this series, let me tell you how it started . . .

When I was very young, Jesus was walking around in His heavenly area up there when he saw his Dad looking down through the clouds, laughing His head off. Curious, he walked over and asked, “What’s up, Pop?”

“Oh, just pranking that Mark kid again,” He replied.

Again?” Jesus asked, “Why are You always picking on him?”

I don’t know. There’s just something about him,” God said. “I mean, look at his face right now.”

Jesus looked down and started to chuckle, then stopped Himself. “Okay, I admit it’s kind of funny, but this is wrong. I mean, You created him. With all due respect, what kind of an example are you setting for the angels? We’re supposed to love and protect humanity, not single one out from all the rest for humiliation.”

God thought for a moment, then looked at Jesus and said, “You’re right. I should stop.” They looked at each other seriously, then said, “Naaaaaaaahhh” and laughed some more.

Jesus suggested that he make a regular show of his pranks on me. They named it Messin’ with Mark. 

Remember Rodney Dangerfield’s bit about getting “no respect” from humans? It’s kind of like that, but on a cosmic level.

They say one year on earth is about a thousand years in heaven, so I suppose they need to pass the time somehow. I just hope I don’t get detained at the gate when it’s my time to go to heaven. There should be some payoff for this harassment. 

So, to today’s episode – Mean, Thieving, Sneaky Seagulls.


Seagulls were once great birds of the sea. They are still celebrated by most as majestic and graceful. Well, I say it’s time we take them off that pedestal. We all know they have no respect for anyone.


They don’t even respect authority figures.


Their indiscriminate pooping is so legendary, games have been made about it.


And hats.


Even candy!


And we all know that, like pigeons, they have a poop color adjustment knob somewhere on their anatomy to adjust to the color of the object they’re pooping on.


I may sound a little resentful. Allow me to explain.

I was at the beach one day with the wife. We were relaxing on our towels and opening our picnic basket, preparing for a lovely day. The kiddo’s were building a sand castle nearby. Everything was perfect. One of our girls decided to walk to the water’s edge so we both jumped up to hold her hand. We weren’t gone thirty seconds before seagulls by the dozen swooped down on our lunch and devoured everything. The drinks had holes poked in them and were leaking out onto the sand, the bananas were mush, the potato chips were all over the beach. And as we ran toward them screaming and frantically waving our arms, they swallowed chicken bones sideways just to get as much into their beaks as fast as they could. 

Undignified, and not befitting their reputation as glorious, graceful seabirds.

But that’s not all. Oh, no. Later in the day, my wife went to look at her iPhone to see what time it was and a bird pooped right on the screen. 

Think that’s it? Not by a long shot. I started laughing (I mean, what else could I do?) and as I leaned back with my mouth open – yep, right in the pie hole. I used an entire thermos full of water to wash it out. Kind of like this guy –

And yet we persist in thinking of them as beautiful and serene.


We continue to be concerned about their well-being no matter how many times they poop on us and our stuff.


But look at them. Look closely. What do you see? Love of humanity? No. Meanness and sneakiness! That’s what I see! 


If reincarnation is real, I’m going to settle this score, and I know how I want to come back.



In a related story – –


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