Great. I Couldn’t Sleep Last Night and Got on YouTube. Now I Believe Everything.

I’ve got to do something about this insomnia. Here’s what I learned last night on YouTube.

1. Nicolas Cage is an immortal vampire. (There’s an old west photo of him.)

2. The Loch Ness Monster, chupacabra, Yeti, Mothman, and Bigfoot all exist. (Sasquatch is just looking for someone to roast a marshmallow for him. Wouldn’t you be if you’d never tried one? That’s all he wants! Come on, people!)

3. The Beatles never existed. (They were clones. I don’t believe this but it is an idea I can imagine actually happening. If someone is making millions for a record company and dies suddenly, what might they do to keep that money coming in? When it comes to greed, people are capable of absolutely anything.)

4. Shape-shifting reptilian humanoids live among us. (That explains some of my friends, and I understand Miley Cyrus now!)

5. The earth is flat. (The main theory by proponents of this theory is that when you drive, the road looks straight. Wow.)

6. There are secret UFO bases in Antarctica, being revealed one by one as the polar ice caps melt. (You’d think there would be at least one photo of an alien wearing a jacket, or at least a nice cardigan sweater.)

7. The moon doesn’t exist. (It’s an alien hologram to hide their floating base.)

8. A UFO crashed in Roswell in the 1950’s and alien bodies were recovered. (Independence Day was a documentary.)

9. The earth is hollow. (I just knew Land of the Lost was true! Marshall, Will and Holly’s routine expedition was a warning to us all. There ARE dinosaurs living in the middle of the earth. And more importantly, now I know where all my missing socks are!)

10. SIRI can tell me when the world is going to end. (Haven’t you always been a bit creeped out by her voice? Now you know why.)

11. The Denver Airport is hell. (Well, all airports are, but especially Denver. And with art like this adorning the walls, who can blame anyone for believing this one?)

12. Elvis is Alive, and was standing in line at the airport behind the mom in the movie Home Alone. (From the King of Rock ‘n Roll to an extra! Or was it a secret message to his fans? Don’t you kind of hope it’s true? We all hate our heroes to die.)

13. The lunar walk was a hoax. (Hey, we couldn’t let the Russki’s get their first, could we?)

14. Terrorist attacks and mass shootings are “false flag operations” – fake events created to scare the public and make it more easy for politicians to manipulate them and/or to promote legislation or an agenda. (All kidding aside, I was hoping this was true so these terrible events could not have really happened.)

15. The matrix is real. A few billionaires are paying scientists to break us out of the simulated reality we all live in. (Check the back of your neck right now.)

16. Taylor Swift is the reincarnated leader of a Satanic cult. (All that sweet music about teenage romance is just a smoke screen! Didn’t you always think, deep down, that she’s just a little too sweet to be wholesome?)

17. Hillary Clinton died and a body double replaced her. (Another excuse for losing the election!)

18. One of Obama’s bodyguards was an alien with no ears and green skin. (Upon further investigation, I found out he’s really just a strange-looking dude who can do without the alien comparisons, thank you very much.)

19. The Illuminati are space lizards who control the world and everything in it. (So that’s why I’m not a millionaire yet. I’m not a lizard! I knew something was holding me back. You know, other than my own laziness.)

20. Hitler is still alive. (Well, that’s depressing. He hasn’t aged a day and the arrogant prick is not even trying to disguise himself!)

21. The Large Hadron Collider, which scientists would have us believe was created to further our knowledge of atomic particles, is actually a multi-dimensional portal intended to awaken Osiris, the Egyptian god of death. (Like we don’t have enough problems already!)

22. Dinosaurs helped build the pyramids. (It’s good to be the pharaoh! This also explains why they needed so many slaves. T-Rex’s get hungry, especially after all that heavy lifting.)

23. The ancient Egyptians also tooled around in helicopters and other flying machines. (Like having pet dinosaurs wasn’t enough. They had it made but not in the shade, because there was none, unless they stood next to their dinosaurs.)

24. Mermaids exist. (But they are fugly and got a serious upgrade with Ariel.)

25. Shadow forces in our government are coating us all with chemicals via jet “chem-trails” to dull our critical thinking and ability to question authority so they can establish a New World Order. (It couldn’t possibly be that most people are too lazy and hedonistic to spend time learning about and getting involved in politics. Seriously, this one bothers me, because I don’t remember so many trails of smoke in the sky when I was a kid. What is going on here?)

26. And last but not least, flying saucers are real. (And thank goodness. As the Monty Python gang pointed out, “Pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space because there’s bugger all (none) down here on earth.”)