Alien Classroom



Scene: A classroom on a faraway planet almost exactly like earth.


Good morning, class. Today, we are going to talk about the beings who inhabit the planet called Earth, which we have been observing for some time now. The question we will seek to answer today is, have they evolved spiritually over the past several hundred thousand years when they were mysteriously given the ability to think, or are they still primitive, territorial savages? Let’s see, shall we?

(Teacher walks to chalkboard, picks up chalk, and begins to draw.)

Let’s say they have a piece of land, which they would refer to as a continent. It is very large and contains everything necessary to sustain life. What do you think they do with it? Do they all join hands, sing its praises and happily share it, as we do? Anyone? Anyone?

No, for some reason, they break it up into territories they call countries. Countries, it seems, come in all shapes and sizes, depending largely on who has conquered whom. That is, who has taken by force most of the land from the others. It has been demonstrated over the centuries that land is a very difficult thing for the leaders of these countries to have enough of. Although they have everything they could possibly desire and there is plenty of room for their people on the land they already have, they seem unable to resist the urge of going out and taking some more land. Of course, this requires killing everyone already living there.

Okay, so they are all split up into countries. Do you think they stop there? Anyone? Anyone?

(Child raises hand.)

Yes, Schnork?


Uh . . . no?


That’s right.  They then continue to divide up the countries into smaller territories called states, then the states into counties and the counties into, let me see, oh yes, cities.  Within these cities, there are many smaller areas called neighborhoods in which the various kinds of human beings, or races as they put it, congregate, hoping to isolate themselves from the other kinds of people.  These neighborhoods are comprised of rows called blocks.

I’m sorry. I know this is getting confusing.

The main criteria they use in determining who is their kind is skin color. This attitude is so pervasive that there are actually organizations known as hate groups dedicated to hating other groups.

(Several gasps are heard around the room.)

I know, I know, it sounds unbelievable but research has shown that they seem to feel much happier when they are around people who look and act like themselves. Sometimes, they even violently attack others who don’t look like them. Also, when people of a different color come into their neighborhoods for some reason, they are often viewed suspiciously by the residents of that neighborhood. Frequently, the local residents even hit the visitor on the head or kill them with little projectiles called bullets. They then usually take all of this person’s property and leave them in the street to die. It is most disturbing to observe.

It has been theorized that the robbing and killing occurs because the robber does not want to work. After all, what other reason could there be? Except total lack of morality and spirituality, of course.

The main reason, however, is that human beings just have not learned the true meaning of the word sharing yet. They have made a few noble efforts to impose sharing on people through various political systems but, unfortunately, they used violence to enforce the sharing.

We are still not sure what the beings who attack beings unlike themselves are trying to accomplish. One possibility is that they attack each other because they can’t or won’t change and become like one another.

Something we find particularly ironic is human beings’ tendency to refer to themselves collectively as humanity. Obviously, their actions toward each other often don’t do justice to the word.

But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes – once they have chosen their neighborhoods, they buy a box called a house to live in. They also buy a portable box called a car which has wheels on it in case they have to venture out into the world of strangers. These cars emit very unpleasant fumes which make the air heavy and hard to breathe yet, for some reason, they continue to use them. Our top scientists are still trying to figure out that one.

By the way, all of these smaller, personal boxes are covered with locks so that they feel protected from one another.

The thing human beings like to do most is engage in sexual intercourse. The reason for this, we assume, is that the accumulated pressure of living within the confines of so many self-imposed boundaries creates an overwhelming urge to strip all of them away – yes, clothing is another one – and enjoy being what I’m afraid they truly are – naked, primitive beasts driven by the most basic of impulses.

The final boundary or box that these creatures hide in is a very elusive thing they call an image which, curiously, is almost always contrary to the way in which their fellow beings actually perceive them.

These findings have been obtained during our visits to the earth over the centuries. Sadly, despite their technological advances, their spiritual and social development is still in a deplorable state. We have attempted to interact with the earthlings on several occasions, such as when we helped the Egyptians with their pyramids, gave Mr. Einstein a personal tour of our planet, and met with that nice Mr. Spielberg.

We have also worked closely with government officials about a program to begin desensitizing the human race to the possibility of our eventual appearance. Many of these officials fear that if the human race learns of our existence, their egocentric, archaic religious notion that they are the only intelligent life form in the universe would be destroyed. The overturning of this delusion, they fear, would lead to anarchy in the streets and the total collapse of their societies. So the leaders who are aware of our presence go to great lengths to keep our existence a secret for the sake of perpetuating the status quo on their planet. This makes little sense to us considering how desperate the need is for a change of the current status quo on earth.

In the years before we made contact with the humans, a few of our fellow beings crashed in a place the earthlings call Roswell. We never heard from them again but can only imagine the terrible fate they must have met. Judging by how they treat the creatures who share the planet with them, creatures they refer to as lower animals, it is too horrible to imagine. Rather than respecting and celebrating the diversity of life on earth, they eat these other animals and wear them for clothing. Sometimes, they even kill them just for fun, or what they refer to as “sport”. Some kinds of animals are spared this fate. However, this is limited to animals they consider to be cute and can be trained not to leave droppings on their carpets.

It is also peculiar to us that they use the term lower animal when referring to non-human creatures since, in all of our studies, we have only seen these lower animals kill each other for survival, never for fun or profit, as human beings routinely do. So many mysteries . . .

One of the most common questions we have heard the earthlings ask is why we always fly over unpopulated areas and not their big cities. Of course, the answer is obvious. With all of their weapons pointing toward the heavens and their inherent propensity to use them, it would be foolish indeed for us to do so. Therefore, in the interest of continuing our studies, we must remain in the quieter, more peaceful areas.

I should add that not all human beings are bad. There are even a few good ones in the big cities where most of the bad things occur. Many human beings even become crusaders, desperately trying to save the human race from destroying itself.  Unfortunately, these people usually lead tormented lives, burdened as they are by such a monumental task.

The purpose of this lecture was not to scare you but to heighten your appreciation of our beautiful world by observing a less fortunate one. Please don’t worry. Human beings have not yet attained the technology necessary to reach our planet.

Class dismissed.

Great. I Couldn’t Sleep Last Night and Got on YouTube. Now I Believe Everything.

I’ve got to do something about this insomnia. Here’s what I learned last night on YouTube.

  1. Nicolas Cage is an immortal vampire. (There’s an old west photo of him.)


  1. The Loch Ness Monster, chupacabra, Yeti, Mothman, and Bigfoot all exist. (Sasquatch is just looking for someone to roast a marshmallow for him. Wouldn’t you be if you’d never tried one? That’s all he wants! Come on, people!)


  1. The Beatles never existed. (They were clones. I don’t believe this but it is an idea I can imagine actually happening. If someone is making millions for a record company and dies suddenly, what might they do to keep that money coming in? When it comes to greed, people are capable of absolutely anything.)


  1. Shape-shifting reptilian humanoids live among us. (That explains some of my friends, and I understand Miley Cyrus now!)
  1. The earth is flat. (The main theory by proponents of this theory is that when you drive, the road looks straight. Wow.)


  1. There are secret UFO bases in Antarctica, being revealed one by one as the polar ice caps melt. (You’d think there would be at least one photo of an alien wearing a jacket, or at least a nice cardigan sweater.)


  1. The moon doesn’t exist. (It’s an alien hologram to hide their floating base.)


  1. A UFO crashed in Roswell in the 1950’s and alien bodies were recovered. (Independence Day was a documentary.)


  1. The earth is hollow. (I just knew Land of the Lost was true! Marshall, Will and Holly’s routine expedition was a warning to us all. There ARE dinosaurs living in the middle of the earth. And more importantly, now I know where all my missing socks are!)


  1. SIRI can tell me when the world is going to end. (Haven’t you always been a bit creeped out by her voice? Now you know why.)


  1. The Denver Airport is hell. (Well, all airports are, but especially Denver. And with art like this adorning the walls, who can blame anyone for believing this one?)


  1. Elvis is Alive, and was standing in line at the airport behind the mom in the movie Home Alone. (From the King of Rock ‘n Roll to an extra! Or was it a secret message to his fans? Don’t you kind of hope it’s true? We all hate our heroes to die.)


  1. The lunar walk was a hoax. (Hey, we couldn’t let the Russki’s get their first, could we?)


  1. Terrorist attacks and mass shootings are “false flag operations” – fake events created to scare the public and make it more easy for politicians to manipulate them and/or to promote legislation or an agenda. (All kidding aside, I was hoping this was true so these terrible events could not have really happened.)


  1. The matrix is real. A few billionaires are paying scientists to break us out of the simulated reality we all live in. (Check the back of your neck right now.)


  1. Taylor Swift is the reincarnated leader of a Satanic cult. (All that sweet music about teenage romance is just a smoke screen! Didn’t you always think, deep down, that she’s just a little too sweet to be wholesome?)


  1. Hillary Clinton died and a body double replaced her. (Another excuse for losing the election!)


  1. One of Obama’s bodyguards was an alien with no ears and green skin. (Upon further investigation, I found out he’s really just a strange-looking dude who can do without the alien comparisons, thank you very much.)


  1. The Illuminati are space lizards who control the world and everything in it. (So that’s why I’m not a millionaire yet. I’m not a lizard! I knew something was holding me back. You know, other than my own laziness.)


  1. Hitler is still alive. (Well, that’s depressing. He hasn’t aged a day and the arrogant prick is not even trying to disguise himself!)


  1. The Large Hadron Collider, which scientists would have us believe was created to further our knowledge of atomic particles, is actually a multi-dimensional portal intended to awaken Osiris, the Egyptian god of death. (Like we don’t have enough problems already!)


  1. Dinosaurs helped build the pyramids. (It’s good to be the pharaoh! This also explains why they needed so many slaves. T-Rex’s get hungry, especially after all that heavy lifting.)


  1. The ancient Egyptians also tooled around in helicopters and other flying machines. (Like having pet dinosaurs wasn’t enough. They had it made but not in the shade, because there was none, unless they stood next to their dinosaurs.)


  1. Mermaids exist. (But they are fugly and got a serious upgrade with Ariel.)
  1. Shadow forces in our government are coating us all with chemicals via jet “chem-trails” to dull our critical thinking and ability to question authority so they can establish a New World Order. (It couldn’t possibly be that most people are too lazy and hedonistic to spend time learning about and getting involved in politics. Seriously, this one bothers me, because I don’t remember so many trails of smoke in the sky when I was a kid. What is going on here?)


  1. And last but not least, flying saucers are real. (And thank goodness. As the Monty Python gang pointed out, “Pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space because there’s bugger all (none) down here on earth.”)